msjorje: (starry night)
[personal profile] msjorje
I dreamed I was holding a dog... a golden retriever, maybe. He had peanut butter in his mouth and was suffocating on it. I think I was standing in a pool for some reason. Just as he was almost dead, it occurred to me to reach in and clear his airway. He survived.

I've started worrying about random people in my life suddenly dying. When I woke up and told Elmo about my dream, my face started leaking. No sobbing, just tears streaming. Three memorial services in less than two months. I've had my fill. No one else is allowed to die for awhile. Give me a chance to breathe, damn it.

Melissa is driving in from Texas today... a 6 hour drive. I so badly want her to safely arrive already so I can stop worrying.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-30 04:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*hugs* I hope your friend gets there safe and sound. I'm thinking about you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-06-30 05:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
She did and we're having a great week together! I feel like I'm on vacation. :-)

Also, I think it might have been her family dog in the dream (actually a cocker spaniel).

Anyway, thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-01 04:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I have the same problem and it's pretty bad. When I say bye to someone I take it in my mind that it could very likely be the last time I see them. It makes me morose, cry, and I never want to be bad or mad at them even if I should be mad so I always force myself to leave with good words and feelings so my "last words" with them aren't bad or haunting just in case. It's gotten out of control and I don't have words to help except to know that there is nothing you can do to change it if they are in fact going to die and the best thing is to enjoy every minute you have with them. But really try to not let it take over your life.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-01 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Absolutely! I went through a phase where I got a bit nuts about cherishing every moment with my dad. It got to where every time I was with him I was focusing more on losing him than on just being in the moment. Fucked up.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-02 05:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

It is tiring in a way and keeps us from truly enjoying time with them because the main thing driving the interaction is fear. I have gotten better but it's still there, especially with living so far away. I have to admit that a lot of my frantic want to come home is due to that. I'm glad I found someone else that feels the same way and understands but I'd never wish it on anyone. I just hope Tyler doesn't go through that stage; it's not fun. I also hope you get better with it. Thank you for writing about it.


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