Losing Moms

Jun. 4th, 2011 08:30 pm
msjorje: (contrast)
When I was 17yo, I lived with a family. The matriarch was Mama Gwen (Glynda Coursey). She took in so many "strays" along the way and was Mama to all of us. She stayed up late, all night at times, talking with us. She taught us about life. She taught us to Pay it Forward in very real life ways when were able to do so. I've done that, I've hosted strays of my own a few times. It isn't an easy thing to do. She was there for us, so supportive.

Last night she passed away surrounded by people that love her. I can't imagine it any differently, she was loved by so, so many. I wish I could say that I'd seen her within the last few years.

My biological mother... feels gone. I hate the thought of her slowly wasting away in that fucking nursing home, but we don't have any other options for her. I feel horrible guilt over wishing it was just done, but how can that really be any worse that slow deterioration??

While growing up, I called every mom I ever knew "Mom." I really had grown an appreciation for my relationship with my actual mother, though. I selfishly dread dealing with possible (most likely) gestational diabetes without her input. I am selfishly disappointed that I can't bounce ideas off of her on dealing with... life. I haven't visited her much at all lately, I think its been a week since I've seen her. On one hand, I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, until I went back to work for her, I rarely visited. Its like I've gone back to my old normal arrangement. I've talked to her a few times over the past week. Visits feel like I'm waiting for her to notice that I'm there... and then to convince her that whatever wrong memory she is living isn't real in the now.

Her stroke hit the day before the roughest month I've had in a few years (partially due to that stroke). How dare it! How terribly inconvenient to ME!

I don't even know what my point was anymore, I'm just sitting here typing and crying. I feel like I just lost TWO moms.


May. 9th, 2011 12:48 pm
msjorje: (mommy)
She wasn't tired when she went to bed, but her eyes did hurt so she fell asleep quickly.

I don't want to leave her home.

I wonder if Tyler is in shock. I haven't seen her cry today. She did spot a "Fathers & Families Expo" flier at the WIC office and that made her sad. We also got into a conversation with a clerk about her height. I mentioned that I'm 5'8" and her father was 6'4". We exchanged a knowing glance, but otherwise she seems... normal.


May. 8th, 2011 11:31 pm
msjorje: (contrast)
I've spent the day (starting at 4am) bouncing around between shock, disbelief, heartache... and waiting to break our baby's heart with the news. She slept in very late. I wanted to let her have her Poppa for as long as possible and the longer she slept, the longer she had him.

She woke and I gave her the news late this morning. She is doing very well, considering she just lost her Poppa. They've gotten closer as of late, doing things just the two of them. I know that makes it harder, but those memories will be so important to her.

Breaking our baby's heart on Mother's Day sucked. I spent Mother's Day being very much a mother. I answered her questions about what happens next (not spiritually, but more technically). The poor dear feared that the cremation would be done at the service and she didn't think she could handle that. She wanted to know what happens with the ashes and we talked about several things people choose to do with them. I remember clearly that he did not want to take up any more space on this earth once he was gone.

Gone. Wait. What? No, that can't be right.

Years ago he swore he would never ride. But if you knew him well, were close to him, you would know that he was at his happiest since taking up riding. He took pride in his safety training. He took pride in his skills. He fit right in with the HOG groups because he was all about taking care of your community, whatever community you choose.

Whenever I drive around town, I tend to check motorcycles to see if it is someone I know, namely him. Today even seeing bikes on television I couldn't help but think of his death.

It was strange enough to adjust to my personal life without him, but as I drove this evening the thought came to me that he is... nowhere. He isn't out there anymore.


I have been touched by seeing all the nice things said by mutual friends. They're all true. It has been... quite odd, to say the least, to have my FB page fill up with photos of my ex-husband. I worry and my heart aches for those that were close to him, most especially Tyler and Jenny. If only I could lighten the pain for them...


It saddens me that Tyler will never have a free and clear beautiful Mother's Day. This holiday will forever be tainted for her. And I dread Father's Day for her, coming up so very soon.


May. 8th, 2011 03:53 pm
msjorje: (pregnancy)
When I was 5 weeks pregnant with Sasha, I got a stomach bug and wound up in the ER getting fluids. I was dehydrated.

I'm 5 weeks pregnant again and woke up with a stomach bug. Thankfully, no vomiting this time. I think I'm past the worst of it.

Still, it increases my concerns of a repeated threatened abortion (miscarriage).
msjorje: (pregnancy)
I haven't had too much nausea just yet. I haven't had much heart burn. I did over eat one night and really regretted that, for HOURS! I am definitely more tired! That helps me to remember to take my vitamins! I need all the help I can get.

I think I'm doing well increasing my water intake. I've gotten my Mom's old water bottle to carry with me at all times. I do believe I'm getting hungry more often and weak with that, too. So I've started carrying a baggie of almond slivers... but they're not my favorite. I need to find another good protein-rich snack to carry. I have pecans, too... I prefer those fresh out of the freezer, though. Cashews would be nice... I'm planning to look at granola bars when I shop this weekend.

I'm trying to adjust back to making my calories count, just eating good things with less empty calories. It is a big adjustment, but I can see my efforts. I plan to buy more fresh food this weekend, too. I need to have good snacks ready to eat. Junk food is too convenient, you have to make good food easy.

Oh, and I'm looking into different ways to keep oatmeal in my daily diet to help with milk supply. I'm hoping to avoid losing my milk during my pregnancy. I've heard that if you will, you will, and there is nothing you can do about it... but I can't NOT do something to try!

Check out Major Milk Makin' Lactation Cookies
msjorje: (2009)
O.M.G. My husband is SO wonderful! While I was out with Sasha today, taking Serena to visit my mother in the hospital, Elmo earned more brownie points than should fit into one day. He did so many great things that I asked him what he had done wrong, concerned he might be trying to make up for something! I insisted there had better not be another woman! Today he...

  • took out the garbage
  • took out the old microwave
  • cleaned the stove top
  • washed the kitchen floor! (and this one had been buggin' me)
  • vacuumed
  • cleaned the vanity / sink (had also been buggin' me)
  • rearranged the furniture! (I'd been griping about this one)
  • picked up all the toys, even setting them up in cute places around our home
  • cleaned the lid of the trash can (another thing that was buggin' me)
  • made the bed (he always does this when he cleans)

Pretty good, eh? Well he didn't stop there! I've been doing most of the care-taking of our spiders lately, but today he...

  • gave all the kids water
  • got the moldy bolus (cricket remnants) out of the bottom of Punjab's cage... that one is venomous! and fast!
  • even took photos of King for me!

Hell, yesterday before Mom's stroke, he came outside and took pics and video of Sasha and I playing with bubbles. I can't tell you how much that means to me!

I have SUCH a wonderful man and I hope I never lead him to feel unappreciated or taken for granted!
msjorje: (2009)
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I'd probably request the same thing I already eat every day, but made the way I make it on a good day. I'd have scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and chopped sweet peppers (in a variety of colors) served over buttered toast. Though I might add a side of sausage links and of course a very small glass of milk. Mmmm. Perfect!

Except they'd have to make it WELL or I'd just as soon make it myself! No cooking eggs on HIGH!
msjorje: (sasha)
We haven't been working much on EC for a while. I think it paused back when I had my knee surgery. I've tried once every couple of months, but Sasha hasn't been interested and I won't press the issue.

Then about a month ago, she wanted her potty of the shelf. (She used to go in her potty, in the big potty, in the sink, in the parking lot, wherever I held her and made the cue sound.) I got it down and tried it, but she just wanted to play with it. No pressure.

Sometimes she sits on it, sometimes she sets a stuffed animal on it. She likes to put stuff in it and she really likes to stand in it. The thought struck me recently a few minutes after she woke that I should give her a shot. (The timing in the morning is easiest to catch, but there is definitely a special timing to it.)

I sat her on the potty and she went! That has happened a few times lately with occasional catches during mid-day as well. I'm pleased to see progress again. I'd love to get back to her sleeping with no diaper. She has hardly ever had diaper rash.
msjorje: (sasha)
It is such a joy to participate and watch as Sasha learns and expands on her pretend world. From realizing that stuffed toys can clap, she now has them hold things or open the fridge. Last night she even has me hold the hand to walk with her, which made it easier for her not to drop the toy. She often makes us kiss or hug the toys before she will kiss & hug us. She also likes to pretend to share drinks and food with the toys... which can get messy.

Sasha's favorite game right now involves bouncing a couple of tennis balls in the kitchen. She prefers a big person to sit at the edge of the kitchen. We like to count to three and then bounce the balls through the kitchen. She loves to fetch them and bounce them back.

She has been practicing her fake cry. It is weird to see her cry when she is faking it.

Last week Sasha started copying (verbally) a lot more words she hears. She'll even try to say "Sasha" now!
msjorje: (mommy)
Cross-posted to [livejournal.com profile] bentolunch:

Tyler attends a Manga fan club at our local library once per month. This month they hosted a bento contest. She was actually the only one to bring one, but we were both very pleased with the result of her very first bento:

There is a bed of basmati rice on the bottom. She made 2 apple rabbits, 3 Naruto rolls with just ham and velveeta (it is what we had on-hand), and two hard boiled eggs: 1 star and 1 teddy bear. The star represents something from a video game, though I don't remember which one. Then there is a ham Kirby with raisin and apple accents.
msjorje: (Default)
The other night in the bath, Sasha started signing something. It took me a few tries to figure it out... she was signing TRAIN where I referred to the DRAIN. So now I've learned the sign for drain, but we haven't had an occasion to teach it to her yet.

She also tried raisins again and can now manage to chew them. So I researched and taught her the sign for RAISIN.
msjorje: (normal?)
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Well isn't this one abstract? Actually, as a child I sort of assigned personalities (like from a comic book) to several colors. Blue was a super hero type and Red was his girlfriend. Green was an average guy, jealous of Blue. Yellow was Green's girlfriend.

Did I mention I'm nuts? What does it say about me that my favorite color has been green for as long as I can remember? You might notice that almost all of my icons include green.

So... yeah, I think green is a beautiful, peaceful color and I believe it suits me. My husband would be blue. Not only does it look absolutely gorgeous with green, it happens to be his favorite color.

Green and Blue both seem to me to be more laid back than say, for example, Red. They are calming colors and we're generally calm people.
msjorje: (sasha)
I'm not sure I like how I put that one together. So, here I will list the words, as they come to mind. This should be a more indicative list of the words Sasha likes to use and uses often, for fun or for desires.

There is some behavior stuff in here, too. Don't feel like you have to read this, this is mostly for me.

Read more... )

Sasha loves Elmo's World more than anything else I let her watch. She also enjoys Signing Time. She likes Blue's Clues, which we sometimes watch together late at night. She likes Little Shop of Horrors and our latest discovery together is The Labyrinth. She needs Mommy close-by for this one, though. She likes to snuggle during parts of it. We watch it together sometimes. She likes Fraggle Rock, but not so much that she has a way to request it.

I'm sure I'm leaving signs and words out, but that is enough for now! Those are the ones that came to mind.
msjorje: (sasha)
Tyler's new thing is to quiz Sasha on signs. I figure it is kind of like using flash cards except she just asks Sasha if she can say a word, then Sasha signs it. (Scroll down for spoken words!) Here are the signs I know she knows:

From the 1st Signing Time DVD, My First Signs:
Eat/Food - Milk - Water - Ball - More - Bird - Cat - Dog - Fish - Car - Airplane - Want - Shoes - Flower - Mom - Dad - Baby - Sleep

extras from that DVD:
Signing - Time - Think (though she knows this one from Blue's Clues, we watch together sometimes late at night)

From the 2nd Signing Time DVD, Playtime Signs:
Friend - Play - Train - Doll - Bike - Bear - Your Turn - My Turn - Please - Share - Thank You - Book - Read - Socks - Yes - No - Thirsty - Drink - Dirty - Clean - Potty - Wash Hands - Bath - Hurt - Sorry - Stop - Go - Wait - Grandpa - Grandma

(I'm not sure if she knows all of them, so I marked some out.)

From the 3rd DVD, Everyday Signs:
Hungry - Apple - Cookie - Cereal - Banana - Bread - Cheese - Cracker - Ice Cream - Candy - Help - Full - Hot - Cold - Dry - Wet - Like - Don't Like - Day - Sun - Night - Moon - Stars - Happy - Laugh - Sad - Cry - Boy - Girl

This DVD has The Silly Pizza Song, which Sasha LOVES! Tyler & I enjoy it, too, so we all sing it together. It is hilarious. You can find it on YouTube, if you're interested.

From the 4th DVD, Family, Feelings & Fun:
Home - Family - Brother - Sister - Son - Daughter - Uncle - Aunt - Cousin - Tree - Wind - Leaf - Grass - Cloud - Rain - Snow - Coat - Boots - Gloves - Hat - Feelings - Grumpy - Surprise - Silly - Scared - Excited - Sick - Love

From the 5th DVD, ABC Signs:
I'm not sure which letters she knows. She doesn't know her alphabet yet, so we're just getting started on this one.

From the 6th DVD, My Favorite Things:
We're just starting on this one, too. She knows how to say Colors. I'm not sure about the rest.
Here is what is included: Colors - Red - Orange - Yellow - Green - Blue - Purple - Rainbow - Fruit - Strawberry - Pear - Peach - Grapes - Watermelon - Vegetables - Corn - Lettuce - Beans (little/big) - Potato - Walk - Run - Sit - Swing - Dance - Sing - Jump - Swim - Soup - Noodles - Tomato - White - Black - Brown - Pink - Work - Practice

From the 7th DVD, Leah's Farm:
We just got this one, too. I know she can say Chicken, turtle, rabbit, frog, horse... I'm not sure about the others. We've been working on Duck, too.
Farm - Chicken - Horse - Goat - Mouse - Rooster - Sheep - Cow - Donkey - Pig - Turkey - Duck - Rabbit - Snail - Frog - Snake - Lizard - Turtle - Barn - Rock

Now for SPOKEN words! Sasha signs and says Daddy. She mostly signs Mommy, but will kind of say it. Her "More" is getting more clear. She clearly says "Mo" (No). She is trying to say Up. Today she clearly, out of the blue, copied "Pretty"! Elmo and I were shocked.

Oh, she also says an M sound when she signs milk (either cow milk or momma milk). She actually says the starting sound to a lot of words.
msjorje: (eyes)
We tried to watch Due Date last night. Yes, I said tried. No, the baby wasn't too much distraction. The movie simply sucked. We watched for probably 20 minutes and aside from the entire theme being done to death already, the movie was just not. that. funny. We couldn't get through it. We finally gave up and watched Scrubs instead.
msjorje: (starry night)
I like my crunchiness! :-D

  1. I am thankful for my gorgeous spider photo book Mom & Serena got for me for my birthday. It is so cool!

  2. I am thankful for my nifty bento sauce bottles Elmo got for me for my birthday. I will get a cute bento box for myself soon.

  3. I am thankful for and am enjoying Katamari Forever for PS3! (Another birthday gift from Elmo.)

  4. I am thankful for the big, gorgeous Starry Night coffee mug from Elmo for my birthday. I've been having tea more often because of it and just love this mug! (Starry Night is my favorite painting!)

  5. I am thankful to get connected with the local clean food market. Thanks Mom!
msjorje: (normal?)
My Lead Role: ADVISOR

You begin by asking:
'What is the best thing to do?'

Your thrill comes from knowing that you are the person others turn to for the answer. You don’t necessarily want to be the person who actually makes the changes happen. Rather, what excites you is being valued by others for your insight and your judgment.

Your best quality:
Your ability to find a solution

Search for data to support your advice

Be careful you:
Don’t get frustrated by other people’s failings

Your smartest career move:
Any job where you’re paid to be opinionated


My Supporting Role: PIONEER

You begin by asking:
'What’s new?'

You are, by nature, an explorer, excited by things you haven’t seen before, people you haven’t yet met. Whereas others are intimidated by the unfamiliar, you are intrigued by it.

Your best quality:
Your willingness to risk

Seek out situations where things become obsolete very quickly

Be careful you:
Don’t move on so quickly that you gain a reputation as a dilettante

Your smartest career move:
Any job where you’re paid to build something out of nothing



msjorje: (normal?)
I made the usual ham & cheese in scrambled eggs on toast this morning. It was good (of course!).

When I got home from work (and truck errands), I shared a PB&J on Honey Wheat with Sasha, as usual. Then we had some birthday cake!

For dinner, we had garlic & herb chicken (thigh meat, we both like dark meat) cooked in Garlic Oil. On the side we had Kraft Mac 'n Cheese (my husband loves it) and green beans. I think the green beans could have cooked a bit longer, but they were still delish. Veggies are so much better from the freezer section than from a can. It is kind of amazing. I just put a little butter and salt on the green beans.

Elmo was very happy with dinner, once he finally got it! He was starving. We also got 3 loads of laundry done this evening, though one pair of jeans got wrapped up into a knot and didn't get dry. They're hanging in the bathroom now.
msjorje: (normal?)
After a 3-day weekend, it was a bit rough to leave Sasha. She wasn't happy about it. I had to keep telling myself that when I would come home "for lunch" I would be home for the day! She gets over the separation right away. Work was good. We discussed job responsibilities and schedules for weekly / monthly tasks.

I worked hard, but was welcomed to take a break whenever I needed one. I drank plenty of water. After work, I went to my dad's to trade trucks! We no longer have our red F-150 4x4. We now have a white F-150 Super Duty with a King Cab. We can now take our children with us, not just one at a time! Also, this truck is all set for towing and has the power to do it! I so appreciate Dad's support on our dreams. We need to get our trailer VERY soon, before Spring hits and the prices go up. Otherwise we'll be waiting until Fall and not have the extra time for changes or fixes.

I was home just a later than "usual" to have lunch with Sasha. Now we'll do laundry. It will be nice to not have to do it on the weekends.
msjorje: (Default)
I guess I like that when I'm upset I clean. As I was having a bit of a crummy birthday, I did some cleaning today. I hadn't planned on that.

  1. I am thankful that my dad is still hangin' in there.

  2. I am thankful for loving touches.

  3. I am thankful for time, more time.


msjorje: (Default)

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