Last night she passed away surrounded by people that love her. I can't imagine it any differently, she was loved by so, so many. I wish I could say that I'd seen her within the last few years.
My biological mother... feels gone. I hate the thought of her slowly wasting away in that fucking nursing home, but we don't have any other options for her. I feel horrible guilt over wishing it was just done, but how can that really be any worse that slow deterioration??
While growing up, I called every mom I ever knew "Mom." I really had grown an appreciation for my relationship with my actual mother, though. I selfishly dread dealing with possible (most likely) gestational diabetes without her input. I am selfishly disappointed that I can't bounce ideas off of her on dealing with... life. I haven't visited her much at all lately, I think its been a week since I've seen her. On one hand, I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, until I went back to work for her, I rarely visited. Its like I've gone back to my old normal arrangement. I've talked to her a few times over the past week. Visits feel like I'm waiting for her to notice that I'm there... and then to convince her that whatever wrong memory she is living isn't real in the now.
Her stroke hit the day before the roughest month I've had in a few years (partially due to that stroke). How dare it! How terribly inconvenient to ME!
I don't even know what my point was anymore, I'm just sitting here typing and crying. I feel like I just lost TWO moms.