Losing Moms

Jun. 4th, 2011 08:30 pm
msjorje: (contrast)
When I was 17yo, I lived with a family. The matriarch was Mama Gwen (Glynda Coursey). She took in so many "strays" along the way and was Mama to all of us. She stayed up late, all night at times, talking with us. She taught us about life. She taught us to Pay it Forward in very real life ways when were able to do so. I've done that, I've hosted strays of my own a few times. It isn't an easy thing to do. She was there for us, so supportive.

Last night she passed away surrounded by people that love her. I can't imagine it any differently, she was loved by so, so many. I wish I could say that I'd seen her within the last few years.

My biological mother... feels gone. I hate the thought of her slowly wasting away in that fucking nursing home, but we don't have any other options for her. I feel horrible guilt over wishing it was just done, but how can that really be any worse that slow deterioration??

While growing up, I called every mom I ever knew "Mom." I really had grown an appreciation for my relationship with my actual mother, though. I selfishly dread dealing with possible (most likely) gestational diabetes without her input. I am selfishly disappointed that I can't bounce ideas off of her on dealing with... life. I haven't visited her much at all lately, I think its been a week since I've seen her. On one hand, I feel guilty about that. On the other hand, until I went back to work for her, I rarely visited. Its like I've gone back to my old normal arrangement. I've talked to her a few times over the past week. Visits feel like I'm waiting for her to notice that I'm there... and then to convince her that whatever wrong memory she is living isn't real in the now.

Her stroke hit the day before the roughest month I've had in a few years (partially due to that stroke). How dare it! How terribly inconvenient to ME!

I don't even know what my point was anymore, I'm just sitting here typing and crying. I feel like I just lost TWO moms.

Bad Day®

Oct. 29th, 2010 10:04 pm
msjorje: (tired)
Today was costume day at work for Halloween. Fun stuff, right? We had some cute ones. The FedEx Fairy was, by far, the best! (He looked great in his tutu and tiara, carrying a wand!) Though the goddess was also impressive. I dressed as a FedEx Home Delivery driver. I know, not very imaginative, but I've had the shirt for a while and needed an excuse to wear it.

However, I had a Bad Day®. By the time I got home, the last thing I wanted to be wearing was a FedEx uniform. So, I stripped down naked. Tyler hadn't been available for me to pick up yet. Of course, it seemed that as soon as I settled... she was available.

The stress of my day had me absolutely exhausted. I had already been near tears a time or two through my day. I was in a piss poor mood and surely pleasant company, not. Elmo snapped at me. I S.T.F.U. Then I got dressed to fetch Tyler. At least him snapping at me got me motivated because prior to that, I didn't want to move.

I went to the phone store to pick up a cover for my phone. Elmo texted apologizing for snipping at me. While I didn't think he was out of line, it had certainly been a slap in the <emotional> face, so I appreciated the apology. I always appreciate his apologies, not that they are often necessary.

I picked up Tyler and dinner for the three of us (from two different places). Then we came home. I have simply NOT been able to shake this mood all fucking afternoon. I spent quite a while on the verge of tears and my eyes actually leaked a bit several times. Then it hit me... it is that time. It is time for my emotions to be out of control in one direction or another. Greaaaat. At least I've gotten laid this month.

So I'm feeling pathetically pitiful and find that I am increasingly desperate for a face-to-face social outlet. We've discussed a "movie night" even if it isn't at night. Our schedules are just so... opposite! I was hoping to go to the Dead Sexy, Rock n Roll Zombie Burlesque show at the Nightingale Theater downtown, but no one else seemed to be going and I felt awkward about taking Sasha. Plus, I was just in such a horrible funk. It didn't seem very nice to expose the outside world to my attitude. Besides, I have to work in the morning anyway. Sigh. I need to do something soon, socially.


Jul. 2nd, 2010 09:46 am
msjorje: (pouty)
3 people have already contacted me about my bike.

I am not likely to get any test results until Tuesday.



Jul. 2nd, 2010 09:39 am
msjorje: (down)
Since staying home to rest, I feel weak more of the time. And my knees seem to be getting worse. I feel useless because I'm not supposed to do anything. I want to run errands, but driving sucks. I drive a stick, so it sucks for BOTH knees. We're moving at the end of the month... I don't know how much help we're going to need or if I'll have this crap figured out by then. I don't have a place lined up just yet and I'm feeling like I can't do much of anything right right now. So aren't I fucking pleasant!! UGH!

I just held for 7 minutes to speak to someone at my doc's office before I gave up. Now I'm calling again and not getting an answer at all... oh there they are...

Maybe I'll have a brighter outlook once I move out of the PMS phase of my cycle. :-P


Jun. 25th, 2010 09:40 pm
msjorje: (down)
Didn't sleep well due to ankle pain. Got to sleep in later than usual. Woke with knee pain, probably made worse by sleeping late. On way down the stairs, carrying the baby, fell onto my ass. No injury. Spent morning freaked out and worried about health. Made appointment to see doc next week.

I've also been bummed about most likely being passed over for 2 promotions. That news came yesterday. I am also probably headed into my PMS time. I had a hard time talking to Elmo or Mom about these issues without getting teary.

The day just generally felt WRONG and I felt bad for being such a downer on my husband's birthday. So... add guilt to the already feeling down and bad. My day was doomed.

Work day dragged for first half. After lunch, I fell WAY behind and spent the rest of the night playing catch up. It didn't help that all three of the scanners I had at hand kept freezing up. Manager moved a cart to an inconvenient spot and (about 30 minutes before my shift ended) I walked into a metal tongue on a cart, breaking the skin on my knee. This was, most assuredly, the last straw. I bawled. I fucking hate to cry at work! I cried for the last half hour of work. I dried up for a few minutes before leaving. I started crying again when I got to my car. I cried all the way home. Got home to find my husband had a headache. On his birthday. Ugh. He went straight to bed. I cried some more.

My shin hurts! I broke the skin a little and have a knot under that. I wonder what color it will be tomorrow. Sasha doesn't know what to think about Mommy crying, but she thinks I'm playing peek-a-boo when I cover my face with a bandana. Oh, and the crying at work was in the heat and made me not want to drink and made me feel sick to my stomach. Anyway, yeah. Bad day.


Apr. 28th, 2010 08:50 am
msjorje: (contrast)
Insert pity party here. )
msjorje: (blank dark)
Elmo's spine did improve, but one area of his back is still bad. Doc put him on work restrictions and wants to send him for PT. Specifically, she wants to do E-Stim and Heat treatment together. She said they would find out how much (2 or 3) times in a week Insurance would approve and from where, then have the PT place contact us for an appointment. That was Monday, but we haven't heard anything yet. Meanwhile, she put Elmo on those work restrictions, but since no Workers' Comp or accident report has been filed and he isn't on Workers' Comp, the company won't allow him to work under restrictions. It is all or nothing.

So now we're into his second week of no work. Ouch. And I've contacted the Sr Mgr with Corporate over Workers' Comp. He has gotten the ball rolling for us.

Meanwhile, my knee has been killing me - probably because of the weather. My wrist has just gotten worse and worse (likely exacerbated by the weather as well). Consider that I'm probably holding Sasha extra (since he isn't supposed to - she is over his limit). And I'm doing some extra chores. And I just got my tattoo on my other hand so I'm doing most stuff with the right. So... I'm fucked. Just.Ouch. I need to get some Chiro or Accupuncture or something. I thought Elmo's back pain was inconvenient, well this wrist crap will just have to wait. I don't have the time, energy, brain power, or finances to worry about my wrist right now. I am managing. Still, it is upsetting / annoying.

We're supposed to camp this weekend which would involve some hiking. I hope we're up for it. We may just sit on the porch swing at camp.
msjorje: (blank dark)
Friday or Saturday of last week, Elmo started having spasms in his back. He keeps me updated on anything weird going on with his health / body. I keep mental note and decide when it is time to seek medical help. By Tuesday it had gotten bad enough that he couldn't go to work or to his visit with Samantha. I called my insurance nurse help line that night. They asked a LOT of questions (no, it is not meningitis) and said treat with cold packs and see a doctor on Wednesday.

Wednesday morning I called our primary care physician's office and made arrangements to see one of the PAs there right away. More questions and poking and prodding. He was given a shot of Torodol (anti-inflamatory, he has gotten it via IV for kidney stones before) in the hip. We were sent home with some topical Torodol and some scrips for a muscle relaxer and pain reliever. PA said to rest, stay home from work, and sent us for X-Rays. X-rays came back normal. She had said that if he wasn't better by Monday, we'd do MRI to check for any soft tissue damage.

this is going to be long )

Sigh. It is just really hard right now. I have an appointment for a tattoo this afternoon and I have NO idea how we'll handle child care then, either. My tattoo guy's wife would love to see Sasha again, but she won't really be available to keep her the entire time. She works the counter. Veronica is not quite ready for baby sitting either, or I could have left Sasha home today.


Feb. 23rd, 2010 10:01 am
msjorje: (starry night)
I've been doing some soul searching lately on the topic of friends. And let me just preface this with saying that I'm headed into PMS week, I think. Soon, anyway.

So... I never get together with friends. Okay, rarely. I have lots of friends that I'd like to see. So I wonder at times... is it my jacked up schedule? does that just happen when you get to be my age? am I just too unavailable? am I a bad friend? is my husband just too much of a homebody? is it because I have a new baby?

I find time to blow of steam at home. But I can't fit in all the chores, projects, and research I want and feel the need to do. We have one friend that has been coming over every weekend lately, so that has been nice. I'm a social creature, though. The girls at work go out together often and one of them finally invited me! I felt so... relieved? It was kind of an open-ended general request that I should come along sometime. But consider that they go to clubs or bars, I have a baby, and my husband works EARLY mornings, so he doesn't stay up late (and therefore couldn't really watch the baby if I wanted to go out late at night).

Does high school really just never end? I never really wanted to be one of the cool or popular people... I just wanted friends. I always had them, even moving around so much. I pretty much made myself an outcast because I wanted to be different. But that doesn't mean I didn't or don't want friends.

My thoughts have really come to a head as I plan for my birthday. I was paranoid that no one would attend my party last year. I invited a LOT of people. I got just enough guests to fill my living room furniture, so I shouldn't complain. I am usually kind of paranoid that when I throw any sort of gathering no one will show. I can't really even count on the woman that has claimed the title of my "best friend" for... close to 2 decades. She hasn't really been there for / with me for quite a while. I've already passed the title along to someone else in whom I can confide. Still, I've been feeling like I should post that I'm accepting applications for that position. And yes, as cheesy as it is, my husband is really my best friend. But you women out there can probably appreciate the need for a female best friend.

Am I *too* TMI? I worry about that, but it is a part of me that I like. I'm open and honest. What is wrong with that? Am I getting defensive? Sigh.

I think I had a lot more thoughts on this, but I generally do my best thinking while driving or in the shower... neither of which I can do with a keyboard handy. :-P

I'm going to be posting a birthday invite very soon. I hope you'll attend. I'm not asking for RSVPs or any other such commitment of attendance.
msjorje: (down)
We make sacrifices for our children, selflessly. We're glad to do them. But they still take their toll.

I have felt like I am neglecting Elmo. We are still sleeping on separate floors to make sure that we both get the best sleep we can. I don't so much mind that, really (though I know I have said otherwise). I am having a harder time with the "two ships passing in the night" issue. I think I made matters worse by being so productive last weekend. I didn't get to spend as much time with him then.

So last night when I got home a tiny bit early and Sasha was asleep AND Daddy wasn't falling asleep, I jumped at the opportunity to shower! While in the shower, I was SO looking forward to climbing into his lap after I was all clean. Only Sasha woke before I got out of the shower. So... I took the baby and Daddy went to bed.

I hoped to get to bed early enough that we could spend some time together this morning. Early means... sometime before midnight, I guess. Or even BY midnight. Sasha was asleep in her bassinett shortly after I ate my dinner. I had dishes done (I wash my pump accessories every night). So I rolled her into the living room at about 11:40 and got situated to sleep. She woke up within ten minutes.

She would not sleep for more than 5-10 minutes the rest of the night. As it neared 3am (the time Daddy's alarm goes off), my face was leaking. It wasn't even that I was overly tired by then... I just had such high hopes for time with Daddy and knew by then that it was gone. I didn't even TRY to get her down before he left at 4, I just used the time to visit with him. and dry my face. He felt like crap that he couldn't fix what was wrong with me and worried about me from work.

He came home and of course, I was SLEEPING. I didn't get up until after 10 when I have to be at work at noon. Ugh.

I have tomorrow off work for my IUD appointment in the morning (I have intended to write a post about that, too!). Mom is taking me while Daddy stays home with Sasha. Surely she'll sleep some tomorrow, but if not... I'm thinking of asking Mom & Serena to take her for a little while so we can reconnect. I have really been missing him - in the larger than "while I'm at work" sense. Sigh.
msjorje: (sasha)
It took me three weeks and several hours of attempting to get Sasha down for the night to finally break me. Mind you (those concerned that something is wrong with her), I did get her to sleep a few times, but she would wake when I put her into bed or the bassinet.

I had managed to get her to sleep and even into bed after a couple of hours, which is par sometimes. However, she woke after only 30 minutes of sleep (my sleep, she had probably slept 45 minutes). I do not react well to 30 minutes of sleep. Shortly thereafter, I had my first Mommy Meltdown since having Sasha. I sobbed off and on (mostly on, I think) for over half an hour.

My eyes hurt. I'm SLEEPY. I'm not sure the 5 hours she slept (straight through) was worth the 5 hours it took to get her TO sleep. Plus I slept on the couch which is my last resort if I can't sleep or she can't sleep.
msjorje: (np Mad Griznit)
So I finally visited work today. I got my review pushed through another step. It is in my inbox now to review and send to the next step. Trouble is, I can't remember the password to access the site I have to go to for reviewing it. I requested the password, but it didn't come fast enough. I gave up and came home. I hope they are sending it to the right email address. Ugh.

I talked to my immediate manager about the schedule to get an idea of how set in stone the senior manager is on it. My manager says it is the right thing to do, from a business stand point. Great. The women in the office said the senior manager was like a dad that just got you a gift that was really the wrong thing entirely, but they think they did SO good and they get all excited about it. Okay... so that means maybe he is willing to adjust. So after waiting for a meeting to end, I went in to talk to him.

Um... no. I'm still going to be stuck with noon to nine. However, he is not entirely unreasonable and has kids (grown) of his own. He doesn't want to mess up my visitation with my daughter. He is not, however, willing to change my entire schedule to earlier. He wants someone there during the evening, which will be helpful during peak season. During the Giftmas season, we get a LOT of residential stuff. It will be easier to reach most of those people in the evening. So hopefully we can make more changes after the new year... or maybe we'll just be totally loving the schedule by then. Ugh.

The compromise is that I can take some extra time off in the middle of my days on visitation days and then just make them up on Saturday. Because everyone wants to stretch their 40 hours out to a 6 day work week every week, right?? This will certainly relieve us of the need for a sitter, but I worry about whether Elmo will get enough sleep. I guess he can just plan to have Sasha asleep when he needs to be asleep. Which means she would already be in bed when I got home... that would suck. It would be easier for us to get a sitter in the evening anyway, if we needed to do that so he can rest.

I have all these details and worries whirling around in my head and I just want to cry. So I'm eating chocolate. I am finding that I am hungry for all my comfort foods. Maybe I just don't deal well with change... at least not when it is brought upon me by someone else. Sigh. I hate this.

At the same time, I am just generally dreading going back to work anyway. I foresee lots of tears at least in the beginning. I don't want to leave my baby. I didn't have to leave my girls when they were babies. I wish I could work from home, but it isn't that simple. Hell, I wish I could be a housewife! But that isn't going to happen either!
msjorje: (blank dark)
So I stayed up til about 4 this morning before I finally went back to bed. Then Elmo getting up at 5 had me awake again. And so my day began. I've been on LJ and FB plenty. I've played some WoW. I've surfed the September 2009 board on my pregnancy site a few times. I've gotten some more reading done in my What to Expect book. And I've spent most of the day bored. I have felt like I've just been waiting until the next time I can eat. It hasn't been out of hunger... just boredom. I've been bored, but haven't wanted to DO anything. I should SO have used this day to unpack, clean, scrapbook, take photos, go for a walk, swim, something! But I haven't wanted to do anything at all. It has not made for a pleasant day.

My stomach was bothering me for a short time today, but not long. So some strong BH contractions and several bouts of timing them for nothing. That really makes for disappointment. I tried to nap, but only slept for a very short time.

So I've just been kind of bummed all day long. It sucks. And I still have all day Monday and most of Tuesday to get through before we go see the doctor... sigh. Oh, and I found the bills that had me worried... now I'm worried about paying them. Ugh.


Jul. 23rd, 2009 05:59 am
msjorje: (tired)
So I was still pretty emotional this morning. Hugging Elmo I was choking back tears. I told him about last night and we talked a little about what he can do to help me. I need to ask him for help when the opportunity presents itself. I'm not very good at asking for help.

I was still feeling pretty emotional for the first half hour at work, but I'm feeling a bit better now. With Elmo working so close by, he is keeping a close eye on me and making sure I'm not moving any heavy packages. He is also a lot quicker to come help than most other people (it is his baby, afterall!).

So here it is, six o'clock, and I'm done with all of my new work for the day. I have a few other things to do that will keep me a little busy until the sort is over, but it is looking pretty light. It has been like this lately. Funny, because our package flow has been increasing this week.
msjorje: (tired)
When I put my head to the pillow last night, I fell apart. I sobbed for a few seconds, but then my face just leaked. I cried for probably 15 minutes before I was able to fall asleep. I am definitely overdoing it. But I see no end in sight.

I have to find a way to stop this.

I have slept SO well every night here, until last night. First, I forgot to turn off my alarm for testing my blood sugar, so that woke me. Then I woke a couple more times in the night. I'm not sure why. I just feel like I didn't sleep as well.

Ironically, I have had it really easy at work lately. I haven't been working very hard at all! at least not at work. Fatigue is a common symptom of 3rd trimester. I have been so pleased with myself, cooking home cooked meals and getting the dishes all done the same night. Sigh. But something has got to give.


Jun. 12th, 2009 06:54 pm
msjorje: (yuckface)
So... not sure if I mentioned, but my colostrum (milk) came in the other day... so I think I was really hormoned out of my gourd. I mean, I'm stressed... but it was making everything so much worse.

After chilling at Mom's for a bit yesterday, I felt a bit better. Then I felt much more myself this morning. It was an average day... other than doing extra stuff at work to prep for my absence. And then... vacation!! There is nothing quite like leaving work on a Friday when you know you have an entire week off work.

Then I went to lunch with Mom & Serena at Lone Star. Our food was all just fine (at LEAST the way we ordered it - unlike last time). OMG, the steak was so good! Then on the way home, the baby was doing somersaults, I swear! I got home and napped for half an hour before leaving to fetch Veronica.

Now my tummy is a little upset, but otherwise my outlook isn't bad. Elmo & I are trying a home remedy for his stones. Cross your... everything.
msjorje: (down)
Another morning of getting ready for work and leaving alone... I cried just a little last night at my helplessness. I wish I could help him. He is in constant pain. There is nothing we can do but treat the symptom and flush him out. He is already doing those things.

I mostly managed to focus on the music on my way to work, but as I arrived I could feel the emotions rising up in me. As I got to my cage, I fell apart. I stood in my cage, my light still off, and cried. I hope no one saw me, but I don't know. No one said anything at least.

Big sigh. It is going to be a long day.

My Senior Manager just walked into my cage (behind me) for tape guns. I managed to get him several without making eye contact at all. More sighs... just so.overwhelmed. And helpless.
msjorje: (mommy)
This was my weekend with Veronica. I was very busy with making and wrapping Giftmas presents. She helped with that, she loves to help. We started watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood last night and then started over today. I saw this in the theater with my mother. I warned her that there was some heavy stuff in this movie, to which she responded that she had seen lots of making out in movies. I informed her this was not that kind of heavy, but that she'd just have to see what I meant - we'd watch it together.

cut for possible spoilers and emotional outpouring )

So today I am thankful for my daughter, Veronica. Without her, I might not have made it to today. I may not have survived my depression if not for her. I couldn't let her down... even when I thought maybe she'd be better off without me.

After the movie and all the emotional sharing and crying, we made Fun Dough cookies for Santa. So thanks go to Jenny, too... for the Fun Dough!


msjorje: (Default)

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